Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
