so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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