my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
