whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
