I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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