I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
