Got a toothbrush?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
