Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
