Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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