Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
