oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
