My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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