Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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