I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
