So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
