is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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