So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize