Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
