I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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