I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
