I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
