the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
