he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
