I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
a search helicopter?!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
