Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
