3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
BRING THE BAGELS
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
