I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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