Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
