I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
