My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
