I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
