He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
me + whiskey = a bad person
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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