someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
