I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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