ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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