When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
