My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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