someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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