Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
