i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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