Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My balls are so social today.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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