hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
