If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Please don't give away my fajitas
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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