Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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