I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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