She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't put those talents on a resume
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
