those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so let's talk penis.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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