You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
