I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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