Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
