You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
