gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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