I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
