Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
