Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
