Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
