paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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