I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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