I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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