He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
