I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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