I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
